Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
she told me i tasted like america
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
