That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
