i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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