I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
please come you make the beer taste better
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm at about main and main street
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
