you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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