Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
