Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
