just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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