I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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