he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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