FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm passing your future prison.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize