i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
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