Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
