You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
