The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize