I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
