we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
