ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
