he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
being pregnant is like rehab
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Randomize
