I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize