remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
