i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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