I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
