Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
