don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
