her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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