Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
