Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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