No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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