I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
