I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
