yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
