Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
