im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
