we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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