i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
