Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
