I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Randomize
