last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
