You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
