I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
