Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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