you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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