Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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