I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We left an ass print on the piano.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
