Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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