apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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