he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
