Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
