why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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