You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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