just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
