so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
dude. I can hear the air.
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