Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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