I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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