I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
