bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
