Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
How external is "for external use only"?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
