My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
