Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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