i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Randomize
