a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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