Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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